Take me back to the start

Two months…had it really been two months already? Adella looked at the calendar hanging in the kitchen in surprise as she washed the dishes (she still didn’t like the dishwasher) and found herself pausing to make sure she had the time right. Yes…yes it had been two months, but it felt only like it had been two weeks. You would think in two months much progress would have been made, but it hadn’t really. She frowned when she thought that and finished washing the dishes, scolding herself for thinking that. No, that wasn’t true, she and Andre had come very far in the past two months. She wasn’t afraid of him anymore, they both had synced well in each other’s routines and…they had slept together. Thinking back on that night Adella blushed and dried her hands with a dishrag, but then sighed. It had only been that once though, several times in that night yes but a month later and they had yet to make love again. It just…hadn’t happened. Without any liquid confidence she felt meek again and shy around him, and he hadn’t pressed her.

The affection between them had grown however, they were far more comfortable. She kissed him on the lips now when he came home, she rested her head on his chest when they slept and she found herself touching him more just for the sake of being close to him. But comfort just wasn’t enough between two people, other than more affection between them and idle chatter, she didn’t know much about him and he didn’t know much about her. Everything they spoke about was now; how her classes were going, his day at work, a funny story about her professor she wanted to share, him asking her if she missed her home but nothing deeper. She still didn’t know his favorite color, or about his childhood or where he grew up other than a place called New Orleans. It bothered her but then again, she didn’t ask him and he didn’t know much about her either because she didn’t bring it up and he didn’t ask. Was that just how marriage was? She didn’t know anybody else that was married here in America, she just didn’t know.

But he had insisted to make the home more suitable to things she liked, so she had been trying. She added flowers here and there, she moved some things around and had been investigating every nook and cranny so she knew where everything was. Today though was the day she was going to check out the small attic above the house, she had noticed it before but Andre had told her it was just a bunch of old crap she didn’t need to worry about but, if it was old and useless she figured she might as well clean it out while he was at work. She moved a chair over to climb up on it and reach to open it, and coughed and made a face at all the dust as it kicked up. She looked around the small space then just started reaching for things and looking them over. Most of these things were so old! Why didn’t he just throw them away? She wouldn’t without asking him but she slowly pulled things out and put them down on the floor before standing back up on the chair and reaching up into the space.

As she slowly cleared things out she opened a box with a few pictures in it. She rifled through it and came upon a picture of a woman and Andre together, then just a picture of the woman, some pictures of children and then Andre with the children. Her brow furrowed and she stepped down from the chair and then went and sat on the couch, looking at them closely. Who were these people? Andre had never mentioned having a sister or cousins or anything before….but the box only had the woman and the children. If they did happen to be family, then why were they stuffed away in the attic untouched?

She looked up and off towards the front door when she heard him say her name. She smiled as she watched him did his usual routine, sighing when he put his coat over the chair but she simply chuckled and shook her head “Hi” She was getting better with her English, she tried her best to remember to use English words with him when she knew the word instead of French, but she typically always fell back to her native tongue, he was the only person who knew it fluently. When he spoke in English again she was already very familiar with the phrase but she had to pause for a few moments to remember how to say her response in English “Cleaning…and….fixing” She had been looking for the word organizing but she didn’t know it, so fixing was the closest thing she knew.

She looked up at him brightly and touched his arm, but then her smile faltered and fell when she saw the look on his face. Oh oh…did she do something wrong? She pursed her lips and turned to point up at the small attic space and then motioned to all the other things she had taken out and neatly put on the floor “I wanted to clean it out, since you said there were only old things in there. I didn’t throw anything away, I wanted you to look to see what you wanted to keep. I found these in a box” She looked back to the pictures for a moment then back up to him “Who are they? Are they siblings?” She asked cautiously because of the expression on his face and she frowned. Maybe he had a rift with his family? Maybe they weren’t family at all, she had no idea but he looked happy in the pictures with them.

She laughed and knew she had used the wrong word, so she scrunched her face and tried to think but she couldn’t find a word that she knew in English to describe what she meant. She could have just said it in French but, she liked to say things in English now because he seemed to be proud of her when she did. She motioned her hands around the room as she wracked her brain then sighed with a smile “Move things. I move things” She told him, hoping maybe that made for sense. Most people didn’t understand her even when she did speak English because of her thick accent but Andre seemed too not be bothered by it.

“Oh wow” She said and nodded with a smile, wondering why he looked so upset. She did know he once led a pack, Evelyn had told her and her step-father he had one been a prominent Alpha, but she didn’t know why he wasn’t an Alpha anymore, she assumed he just preferred to teach because she still didn’t fully understand the ways of werewolves. But when he mentioned the woman was his wife and the children were his, her face drooped and she looked at him with shocked eyes. His…what?! That…that she had not known and she didn’t breath for a moment as she stared at him. Even when he moved away she kept staring were he once stood then looked down at the pictures. She was utterly speechless, why had he not told her he had been married before? Why hadn’t Evelyn? Did it matter? She told herself it shouldn’t matter but for some reason it did, very much. Very, very much.

She tried to swallow but her throat felt a bit constricted. She looked around the living room then slowly got up, put the pictures down and went into the kitchen “You…you were married before?” She stammered, her voice just…in shock. She watched him with a confused expression “When?” Not even married, he had children! He had children and another wife…or at least he had them. In her mind she automatically thought divorce, it seemed common from what she understood here in America. He had a whole other family somewhere else and he hadn’t even bothered to tell her…what in the world was going on?

A month ago she would have never dared pursue the conversation by his behavior. When he had avoided it the first time she would have done what he said, put the pictures back in the attic and let it go. But he had wanted there to be a level of comfort between them and now there was ever since they slept together. She wasn’t afraid to press questions now and this had her utterly curious. He had been married! All this time she had assumed he had been this lonely bachelor who finally realized he wanted a wife and needed children to be heirs, that’s how Evelyn had made him sound like. When he started she just stood there and listened, fearing what he would say. Was his wife nearby? Was she still in love with him? Why didn’t he see his children? What he ended up saying she had not expected.

Her arms cross from being dropped and she stared at him sadly. Killed? They have been killed? She watched him for a long time, her gaze dropping some to the floor as she tried to digest it. She felt awful…hear she was feeling upset he hadn’t told her he had been married…and they were dead. She would have never known and now she felt terrible for finding the pictures and asking him about it but, didn’t she had a right to know? Even just a little bit? She moved around the kitchen island and went to him, putting her hands on his upper arm and gently sliding them to, looking at his face “I’m so sorry” She murmured, shifting from one foot to the other in front of him for a few moments. “What happened?”

When he tensed from her touch she almost drew her hands back but waited a few moments to see if he would relax and he did to her relief. She shook her head and gave him a gentle look “No” She wouldn’t force him to say anything he didn’t, of course not but…”I would like to know though…” She added meekly, but it wasn’t a demand in any way or begging him to tell her, just a simple request that he was more than welcome to ignore. When he told her the story, she didn’t even breathe; she was holding her breath without even realizing. How horrible…she felt for him and for all these people that had lost their lives. She had never known wolves had been hunted once, it was heartbreaking. “How many survived besides you?” She asked, for it was better question then to ask how he survived when his family had not.

When he walked back to the couch she watched him and wondered what he was going to do with the pictures, but when he brought them back she moved close to him again and looked at the one he pulled out. She admired it for a moment “Is that your father?” She asked to confirm then smiled softly “You look like him” Even with the sadness around his family, she did think how lucky he was too have all of these pictures and wonderful memories to be able to look back on. She had no pictures or memories with her own father and had no pictures of her mother to look back on and treasure. But his family was gone now, at least she knew her mother was still alive back home. “How…how long were you married to your first wife? Was it…was it like ours?” Arranged she meant, but she felt odd saying the word.

She stood there quietly as he put the pizza in the oven, though she nodded at his question “Ok” She responded as she fiddled with her hands then suddenly moved towards him and slid her arms around him and rested her head against him “I’m so sorry about your family, Andre. I’m so sorry” She whispered sadly “I-I didn’t know…I had no idea”

She watched him look at the picture of his first wife and felt a frown come on her lips. She had been hoping that maybe he and Nicollet’s marriage had been arranged like there’s, and her heart sank a little to learn it hadn’t. He had picked his first wife, had loved her and been obviously blissfully happy with her and had children…he had chosen Adella because he had been tired of being alone. Of course that didn’t mean he didn’t care about her but, it was far different to be married to a stranger then to pick someone you had known all your life as your mate. But she didn’t allow herself to be upset about it for more than a few seconds because she had to worry about him and his sadness. He had lost his family and of course still felt pain over it. She needed to be here for him and show him that she was.

She looked up at him as he brought her face up and gaze at him gently. She took in a breath and pursed her lips for a moment as she let it out “I know…I know I cannot replace her and that, that you couldn’t possibly feel for me like you did her. I know that and I understand” She started, looking off to collect her thoughts before back to him. She moved one of her arms from around him and touched his face “But I…I want to, to make you happy. Maybe never as happy as you were with your family but, even a little bit happy if possible. I will always do my best to achieve that for you.”

Her face brightened when he told her she made him happy but she still looked uncertain “I do?” She whispered, a hint still of insecurity in her voice even as he told her she did. She wanted so badly for him to be happy with her, to want her and care for her like a man did for a woman. Why she didn’t know, she was his wife he had taken because he had been lonely and needed a woman in his life, not like his first wife he had married because he had loved her and couldn’t be without her. She gasped when he picked her up and she laughed as he became playful, an adoring look in her eyes as she touched his face and brushed her fingers through his hair. She squealed and burst into giggles when he blew against her skin, her head tilting back with a giant grin before looking back to him. She leaned her forehead against his and nodded “Very happy. I have never been so happy” She hadn’t. She had loved her village and loved her mother, but Adella had never been able to feel true happiness there. Here with him, she did.

When he went to the fridge she continued to sit on the counter and watched him, glancing down to the box of photos and pulled some out to look at them. She glanced up at his question and nodded “It is different from my village but yes, I feel this becomes home more each day” She put her personal touches here and there and was slowly making his home hers as well. She had made friends and was doing well in her classes and learning her powers better, which was far more than she ever had in her village. She took out the picture of Nicolette Andre had been admiring before and a picture of his two children. She looked them over before she got an idea and quickly jumped down from the counter “I’ll be right back” She said before running off and up the stairs. She was up there for about five minutes before coming back down with five picture frames in her arms, one’s she had made. She set them on the counter beside the pictures of his wife and children and looked to them “You should put your favorite pictures in these and put them out for you to see every day. Of your wife and children, and your father and pack”

She was glad that she made him happy, it’s all she wanted. She feared at times maybe he complained to her to his friends or secretly made faces of disgust of impatience behind her back. These feelings had worsened after the fact they had yet to make love again, for she felt maybe she had been so terrible he didn’t want to touch her like that anymore. She was blind to the changes in him, for she had not really known him before and didn’t see how she had made him brighten. His question stopped her, she stared at him and it was obvious she had been caught off guard. She looked down at her hands and fiddled with them, having to think about it. Would she go back? She missed her mother and the smell of the forest there and her house…but, was it better then here? She looked up and gazed into his eyes “No” She said, shaking her head “I….I couldn’t” She blushed “I couldn’t leave you…I’d miss you” She would feel lonely if she went back home without him. Who would make her laugh? Who would hold her when she slept or tell her she was beautiful? She couldn’t give those things up.

She frowned when he rejected her idea and started putting the pictures back in the box. She told herself to drop it, it wasn’t her business and she just needed to nod her head and take the frames back upstairs and not mention it again. But she didn’t, something in her told her not to drop this so easily. She grabbed his hands to stop him, giving him a sad look “Andre, their your family. You love them and they are a part of you. They don’t deserve to be shoved in a box and locked away. They made you happy and their memories should still make you happy now”

She glowed when he said he would miss her as well, and not just miss her, but terribly miss her. When she had first come here she had been so, so unhappy. She hadn’t liked the area, or the school or the people or his house but now, she truly did love it. The woods were lovely and she liked the smell of the trees here, and her classes were fascinating and the people could be nice and he…he was incredible to her. When once she dreaded him coming home and having to deal with the awkwardness between him, now she brightened every evening when he came home and enjoyed being around him when he was free on the weekends. He was home to her now, and although going back home was tempting, she couldn’t leave him.

She didn’t mean to speak up to him like she was but, it was something she felt she needed to fight for because she felt it was important. She smiled at him earnestly “Andre, it wouldn’t bother me to have their pictures around the house. Not at all” It really wouldn’t. Yes she felt a tiny twinge of jealousy because she knew he had loved his wife and she could never earn that love from him but, she wouldn’t ever dare feel jealousy for him to have pictures of his family around the house. She gently rubbed his arms then touched his face “But you did get out of it, because your strong and if you ever start to go back to a dark place I…I will be here for you” She then glanced to the pictures then back to him and dropped her hands from his face “I don't want to force this on you. If you don’t want them out, alright but…think about it”

She had to admit she was a little disappointed he still seemed so guarded about her idea. She really thought it was the right thing for him to do, to have his family around him. He had loved this woman and he had children who had to have meant something to him, but yet he didn’t want to remember them? She had never lost anyone like he had, that was true so maybe she didn’t fully understand but, looking at the box of photos she felt a sadness for his family and pack members that he refused to acknowledge. But she had no right to tell him what to do so, when he turned away she took the pictures and picture frames and took them back to the living room with all the other things she had taken out of the attic.

She came back and took the offered pizza with a smile then nodded when he mentioned her mother “Yes, Raul gave me one yesterday from her. I was happy to receive it” She had told her mother how she and Andre had finally slept together in her last letter, and had felt some disappointment in herself when he mother’s letter had told her she was now excited to hear of Adella being pregnant soon. That obviously wasn’t going to happen as soon as her mother thought since they had yet to make love again. “Lessons are good. I am learning much, I’m not afraid anymore to ride them…” She wanted to ask him so many questions about his wife and father and pack and how it was to be an Alpha, but it was obvious he didn’t like too. How was she ever going to learn more about him?

As she ate she suddenly heard thunder rumble outside and she about jumped ten feet in the air. Adella hated thunder, she hated storms ever since she was a child because her step-father had scarred her for life after a experience she would never forget. The two months she had been here it had rained once or twice, but never the thunder she just heard now. She stared at the window then moved closer to Andre as she frowned, getting jittery “It…it’s going to storm” And oh no…he had said he wanted to go out and get ice cream. How could they go out when it was going to storm?!

She shrugged “Nothing exciting. One of her cousin’s daughter’s got married to the best hunter in our village. She mostly asked though how I was and my classes, and how you were” Well, not exactly, her mother had asked how he was treating her and not so much how he was himself but Adella didn’t want to say that. Though by her face, she wasn’t very good at hiding things, it was obvious she was leaving something out. She didn’t want to tell him how her mother had asked about children, she just figured that would make things awkward between them. Her mother had always been affectionate with her, more so than typical mother’s in her village, but there was always that sense of being more reserved with her people. It was so far different then Wolves and what Andre was used too. If he ever visited her village he’d probably think he was in some kind of ghost town.

A bad one? A bad storm? Oh no.“Were…were not going to go out then…right?” She asked hesitantly before she squeaked in fear as thunder rumbled. She pressed up against him as his arm slide around her shoulders and her lips pursed tightly as she stared out the window “I know it won’t hurt me it’s just…it’s scary. It’s bad” Bad memories was more like it. Lightening flashed and followed again by thunder which was louder this time then before and she screamed and hid her face into his chest. “I don’t like thunder!” She said fearfully and made a panicky sound as lightening flashed again “Andrreee!”

How did he read her like a book? Adella didn’t realize her face gave everything away because no one had ever told her that before, so she only assumed he could read minds or something, he always seemed to know what she was really thinking not having any clue it was always written on her face. “Oh just…nothing” She waved it off but then sighed, knowing she was not being very convincing so she frowned some and avoided his gaze “She was asking…asking about when…well, when…hoping we would have children soon” She blurted out, just figuring she needed to get it out in the open and then resumed nibbling on her food.

“It’s not just rain!” She said in dismay “It’s thunder and lightning and wind! It’s dangerous!” Oh, she really, really, really hoped he didn’t force her to go out there because she really didn’t want too. She nodded with a pout, she hated storms. Her mother used to hide under the covers with her and rock her back and forth while singing to her to calm her down and help her sleep at night when there was a storm…she no longer had that comfort. She clung to him and instantly felt stupid for being afraid and acting this way around him but she couldn’t help it, it was a fear she just couldn’t shrug off, it terrified her. Her heart was pounding wildly and she was so attached to him she was like a baby animal buried against its parent.

She was difficult to force off him but she moved back and gripped his hand tightly as he took her to the living room and to the couch. She quickly took the blanket and covered herself with it, even putting it over her head some then curled up in the corner of the couch and watched him turn on the tv. She kept staring out the windows like the storm was going to reach in and grab her, but she took the wine he brought her and took a few little sips. She still didn’t like alcohol but she drank it when he offered it to her just to make him happy. As soon as he sat down she scooted over to curl up against him, seeking comfort from her fear “What is this?” She asked as the movie started. Adella was still getting used to movies and TV, she didn’t really enjoy it that much since she wasn’t used to sitting for a long period of time and watching a box, but she was learning to like it. Thunder roared louder outside and she whimpered.

She stared back at him, frowning as she pursed her lips and almost looked apologetic for saying it but it wasn’t her fault! He had asked. She had always wondered about children herself, but for so long they hadn’t slept together so she stopped thinking about it, then they slept together and she started thinking about it…and now they hadn’t had sex in a month and she had no idea if she should still be thinking about kids or not. His first statement confused her…what did that have to do with anything? People got married to have children, why would anyone wait to be married a long time? His answer threw her off. Not…for a while? Again it showed on her face she was surprised and disappointed. She wanted children, she really did…but should she really be surprised? He hadn’t wanted to make love to her again, children couldn’t even be on the table if they weren’t trying.

“It’s dangerous” She was extremely insistent on it, so much so that she seemed a bit upset he was telling her otherwise. It was a deep seeded fear stemmed from her childhood, her fear of thunderstorms was as bad as if dragons existed and hunted people freely and one was right outside the door trying to get in. It was moments like this she did wish she was back home, where her mother knew exactly how to make things better. But she couldn’t blame Andre, he hadn’t lived with her long enough to know the things that made her feel better…she supposed it was time she learned a new way to cope with her fear, but how?

She tucked against him, her hands clenching the blanket around her as tight as she could. She felt a little better…but not much. She had trouble concentrating and didn’t pay much attention to the movie as she kept leaning forward to glance out the window and every time she saw lightening she took in a sharp intake of breath and buried her face in his chest. Over some time though she surprisingly got calmer. She took a couple more sips of the wine, his heartbeat and breathing was soothing, the background sound of the movie helped…she was still scared, but not so bad. It also helped that after about thirty minutes the thunder and lightning passed and it was just rain and that made her nerves go away. She tried watching the movie, but well, Adella had a short attention span for those things. Instead she ended up getting up from the couch and going over to sit by the window, looking out at the rain. She loved rain…when it was just rain. She even opened the window a tad bit and stuck her hand outside to feel the rain, though she was tense, ready to scatter away if any thunder was heard.